


Blood Stains

by smol angel (petite4ngel)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, Dissociation, Drabble, Existential Crisis, Existentialism, Hospitalization, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Illnesses, Self Harm, im sorry, triggering content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:33:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22524850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petite4ngel/pseuds/smol%20angel
Summary: I was lost in a world I didn’t understand. I tried so many times to find the right path, to learn to be who I was supposed to be. But I always ended up thinking about the possibility of not existing. At all.
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	Blood Stains

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal thoughts, depression, cutting, open ending. 
> 
> Stay alive, it’s worth it. 
> 
> I know it sounds like a lot, but writing this down was cathartic in a way, so.
> 
> Hi
> 
> I didn’t plan on this being my first post here, but oh well. I’ve been feeling really down, so I decided to edit this thing I wrote last year. I was really stressed out back then, with homework and exams, and some of my friends made me doubt that I’d be able to make it, to pass my exams and not die, quite literally

My fingers smelled like blood. I couldn’t remember if I cut myself that day, but the metallic taste was always on my tongue; inside my lungs. I raised the hem of my t-shirt (or was it Josh's? It felt cozy, so probably it was his), just to prove that indeed my skin was screaming. Yes, my stomach was tainted in red. My tights had huge droplets still deciding which way they're going to slide down. And in my wrists I saw fine lines fading into scars. 

I was half asleep, but awake nonetheless. I was always asleep and awake at the same time. I couldn’t sleep at night, and I couldn’t stay awake in the morning. I was tired, in _so_ many ways. 

The bed sheets smelled like blood. Was it dried blood? Or was it fresh blood? 

I sighed deeply and started thinking again. Why? Why does it have to be like this? 

I rolled over the bed and wished Josh slept over so I could just cuddle him until tomorrow. 

I overslept. 

I couldn't remember what words defined my thoughts. 

The pain was constant. It was always there. It doesn't leave me alone. Maybe it never will. It itches for days, reminding me what I did wrong, what I didn’t do. What I did. That I failed. That I can't handle my own emotions. That I struggle to find purpose to my life everyday, and that maybe death would hold me tight when we reunite. Maybe it would be lovelier. Maybe it would be peaceful. Maybe it'll make me happy. 

My wrists were bleeding and I didn’t even remember when I took out my razor blades. I couldn’t remember if the ones I had didn’t do the work anymore, couldn't remember if I got sharper ones. But it felt nice. Pain. Metal cutting my skin open. Drops of crimson falling down my skin, painting it with the tears that didn’t come out of my eyes. 

What was going on? 

I was lost in a world I didn’t understand. I tried so many times to find the right path, to learn to be who I was supposed to be. But I always ended up thinking about the possibility of not existing. _At all._

My fingers smelled like the Band-Aids that covered my arms. 

I woke up again and I was disappointed to still be breathing. 

In the middle of the night, a demon possessed my body. He wrote down ”I saved everyone, but no one could save me”. I left the letter by my bed and fell asleep. 

And in the meantime, I tried to figure out if the soft pastel green walls that tramped me, were real... If the lady dressed in white was real... If the beeping of my vital signs were real... Because I couldn’t feel any more pain.

_Was I even real?_

**Author's Note:**

> I've always fantasized about dying and killing myself and what people would say or think. I bet some of you have done that too, so please, let it stay like that: Just a thought. 
> 
> I decided to put the major character death warning just in case. It’s an open ending, so it doesn’t have to end up like that! It’s up to the reader


End file.
